What comes after chasing life? Ideally, you come of age. And I think I may have come to that point because I am writing almost after half a year without feeling any gratification crisis or anxiety about the missing months. Finally, I am writing for no validation at all—personal, professional, intellectual, or creative. Hence, the hiatus didn’t bother me, fading away in readers’ minds didn’t scare me, and total absence from social media doesn’t worry me anymore.
Until not so long ago, I used to strive to write more consistently, make food posts more regularly, and stay relevant for my own good. But as I sit down today to arrange my thoughts and words after a lengthy break, I find myself questioning this feeling, which some might label as lethargy. Have I become truly complacent? Or have I become nonchalant? Or am I uninspired? Or am I simply carefree? I think I have become unconcerned. I remember how simple incidents, conversations, and observations sparked ideas and thoughts within me, leaving me eager to articulate them with the finest words. But I have been in no such hurry lately. My last post on my trip to Benaras was months ago. The world has been revolving with as much madness and matter as at any other time, but I don’t seem to be triggered enough to come up with a lucid, cogent expression.
Maybe I have less to speak and more to absorb. My husband will be happiest at this unusual development. But perhaps I am more convinced of myself and hence have diminished need to defend or assert my opinions or skills. Is this some kind of airy ATTITUDE in my petite body? No, it most humbly is not. It is Acceptance. Of myself. Of my role in the scheme of things. Of being precisely where I am meant to be in the universe. Of my ikigai, whose sphere of significance remains small. Of being ordinary but unique.
However, I am, of course, not emotionally bulletproof nor a wise monk. So, I still have my moments of deep resentment and regret at having atrophied my potential. And this almost suffocating resentment becomes strangulating in the moments when I hear or meet my very successful cousins and contemporaries from school and college heading up as corporate leaders, eminent professionals, and whatnot. It is absolutely not jealousy or insecurity or enmity. It is a feeling of I not reaching far enough, of not being big enough. Thankfully, I now recover sooner from this mental asphyxiation. And what helps me recover is the small stuff.
I am pretty happy doing my little things, like plucking new saplings from my mom’s garden and repotting them in my own, like getting down into a lake and digging up wild lilies to set up my own lily pond, like planning a barbeque night for friends, or rearranging stuff at home, or talking gibberish to my pet, or convincing my children to meditate, or reading a fuzzy book and sharing it with a friend, or brainstorming ideas for my professional endeavors, or trying to look pleasant and fancy from time to time.
Mind you, this is not slow living in the least, though I wish I could lead one. My mind is constantly racing with multiple chores and ideas and thoughts, and I try to keep pace with them all. But I am aware that my work and thoughts do not have any major or groundbreaking impact on anyone or on any company or the world or the environment. I was never ambitious, but I was never aloof. Money was never a motivation for me to work, but popularity was. A huge validation of worldly success. But I have made peace with the fact that fame may or may not elude me in this lifetime 😊. Nevertheless, I am still working, and my not-so-significant work, whether personal or professional, has its relevance. It validates my birth, and that seems sufficient.
Instead of chasing life, I believe I have evolved to live a more conscious life. I am in alignment with the joy of living it for the most part. And then, as if by some cosmic plan, I happened to read an insta post, “Message from the Universe,” while I was writing this piece that said, ‘Stop worrying about how it will happen. Just know that it will. You were never meant to chase. You were meant to receive.’
And so, what comes after chasing life is the grace to accept what is meant to be yours…
Photo by Nothing Ahead: https://www.pexels.com/photo/scrabble-tiles-on-soil-spelling-the-word-life-4576295/
